Zijun LI (CHN)

Big People - Zijun Li: Growing and training alone, jumping until heaven falls and earth cracks. Article & video published on QQ Sports on 25 Feb 2017 (article translation below).

(t/n: Zijun’s given name is used in place of her full name for simplicity, as well as to differentiate from her mother and unrelated former coach Mingzhu Li, who both have the same family name.)

After the short program at the [2017] Asian Winter Games, standing before the camera, Zijun Li opens her mouth several times unable to make a sound.

“I am very disappointed with my placement.” Zijun’s dissatisfaction with her performance is written all over her helpless face. Despite originally choosing an easier combination jump for stability, points were still lost due to underrotation. As a favourite to win at the Asian Winter Games, Zijun’s first showing was unsatisfactory.

Going back to the Four Continents Championships a week ago, she accidentally fell and hit her head in practice, and after her ending pose on one knee, could not stand up for a while to thank the audience. While waiting for the results, the girl who is usually playful in front of the camera had an emotional outbreak, falling into her coach’s arms and bursting into tears. After the competition, Zijun told everyone that her legs were shaking on the ice, that the veteran felt an inexplicable tension.

What was she worried about? From the former prodigy to the current rising star, she has grown accustomed to a dialogue with loneliness, used to growing alone through dull training, but she knows that she has passed the age of being wayward, and now values every chance to be on the ice. She doesn’t want to let breakthrough become only a slogan, doesn’t want to lose herself again.

“Only for a song, blood dyed a lonely red; only for a dream, broke the mountains and rivers; only for a heart, loved and only met before separation.” These lyrics come from Zijun’s free skate music, “Only for Love”. Now, they also represent her state of mind. She thanks all the years where she did not easily give up, for loving yourself requires unconditional investment. Jumping again and again, she has already seen the storms of life.

Growing and training alone, jumping until heaven falls and earth cracks

At 9 AM, on the streets of snowy St.Petersburg, the sky is still dark. Wearing a black down jacket and carrying her skates, Zijun walks quickly, the red “CHINA” on her slender back standing out. At her side, a Russian man seems to tell her something, talking as they walk, following her the entire way. Her features reveal a trace of confusion and anxiety and she quickens her pace, almost jogging the rest of the way… a few minutes later, she finally arrives at her destination, Running through the doors of the rink, Zijun’s expression evidently relaxes, smiling as she greets the people she meets in English and occasionally speaking a few words in Russian.

This is her 56th day in St. Petersburg.

As the top Chinese ladies’ figure skater, 8 years since her debut, Zijun’s charming appearance, slender figure, and elegant movements have been well received with insiders’ praise and fans’ love. To further improve the level of her skating, the Chinese National Team arranged for Zijun to spend 2 months training abroad in St. Petersburg, under the tutelage of the coach of Russian “Ice Czar” Plushenko, the world-renowned figure skating coach Alexei Mishin.

In Russia, the days are exhausting and monotonous. Most times, a day includes 4 sessions of training off ice and 2 sessions on ice, often “training from dawn to dusk.” The type of “frightening” on the streets has also become commonplace. “Due to the language barrier, I don’t know what they’re saying, and it’s really quite scary.” A young girl on the streets encountering older men, she usually chooses the method of “ignore, then walk faster”.

“Compared to all the jumps and turns [I experience] on land, I suddenly feel like the ice is something that makes me feel happy and grateful…” Zijun keeps a notebook specially for recording the state of her daily training. Now, this notebook is nearly full, with careful documentation of each jump and rotation on the ice. “Once, after leaving the rink, I checked my notebook. An on ice session not including runthrough with music had a total of 65 triple-triples and lutzes… do you want to experience the ascension to the afterlife? Try his training method.” Joking through the bitterness, Zijun says she has “trained herself silly, and often can’t find where her waist and legs are.”

But compared to the training overload, her inner loneliness is more frightening. Mishin’s team is almost entirely composed of Russian girls with blond hair and high noses, with Zijun being the one that sticks out. And with the language barrier, her rinkmates not knowing English, she also has no way of joining the conversations and laughter of their “little groups”. She would rather train alone in the hallways away from the rink, thinking about the day’s training content and plans.

With heavy snow outside the window, under the dim light, her thin silhouette on the wall looks silent and lonely. Many times, she only has herself for conversation.

From the 12-year-old who journeyed alone to the US to the competitor travelling throughout different continents, Zijun’s talent for languages has always been her pride. When training in the US or Canada, basic necessities were managed by herself, but this time, in a non-English country, she feels like she “cannot handle it”.

On the first trip to the supermarket in -20°C weather, both hands carrying a large bag, she stood in the snow for over 2 hours unable to find transportation. The passerby she tried to ask for help from could not speak English, until a kind-hearted Russian youth helped her call a taxi to return to her hotel. Afterward, she learned to download the app for calling taxis, learned basic Russian words… but it was still not easy to go out, because the experience was too painful and left an impression.

Lu Chen, the only Chinese singles skater who has won an Olympic medal, has always believed in such a phrase — “to reach the peak, one must bear the loneliness”. As the “heir to Lu Chen”, Zijun also feels the impact of this phrase deeply. Since the days of the 14-year-old who defeated Liu Yan to win the national championship, becoming “sister no.1” of Chinese ladies’ singles figure skating, she has been experiencing this kind of life for 7 years.

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Zijun Li and Russian rinkmate

Thankfully, the people at Mishin’s club are all very friendly to her, and coach Mishin is especially fond of this “porcelain doll” from China. Not only helping her find a hotel to stay in, but also bringing eggs from home to give to her for nutrition. “You need to eat more good things, only a strong body has the energy to jump,” are the words that coach Mishin most often tells her.

Don’t be fooled by Mishin’s appearance of a kindly Santa Claus, the training regimens he creates are not gentle in the least.

Mishin once said: “the coaches of ladies’ singles skaters have the most dangerous job in the world, because you don’t know what will happen next, there are so many possibilities.”

“Females are fragile material, many factors can affect their results, moods, and feelings in competition. Some very subtle things can also affect them. In addition, for most girls the changes from puberty are difficult to resist.” However, Zijun’s talent and hard work won the favour of this figure skating godfather. Wherever he goes, coach Mishin doesn’t forget to text her to ask about her training.

Coach Mishin’s “If you can’t hold on anymore, cry in my arms, once you stop crying start anew” text remains saved in Zijun’s phone. Whenever she is about to give up, she takes it out to read.

As “from dawn to dusk”, “turning until everything is dark, jumping until heaven falls and earth cracks”… has become the norm, there is only one motivation allowing her to persevere: “the persistence to your dreams”.

All the sacrifices will eventually pay off. On her 20th day in St.Petersburg, her lutz and flip could finally coexist on the same ice; on her 24th day, she weighed 42.9 kg, a weight she hadn’t had since puberty, “a new level of thin”…

Watch American dramas to learn English, learn to make dumplings on birthday

“Finally dinnertime after a day of training… what to eat tonight, whichever letter looks good, I’ll choose it.” she shows a Russian menu.

Russian food is monotonous and difficult to swallow, and her budget for food is limited, so she must learn to cook for herself. On December 14th, her 21st birthday, Zijun tried to make dumplings for the first time. Upon her first bite, the emotions almost brought her to tears.

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This birthday, making dumplings for the first time

Apart from travel and food, she also had to face moving continually. The hotel that coach Mishin found for her only had one room with a kitchen. When other guests booked the room, she had to move out, stay in another room, and after they left, she would move back in. As a result, the place where she has lived for two months has few traces of her habitation. “Yesterday I just moved back, this is already the 4th time. It can’t be helped, since the amount we pay isn’t enough for this room, so if it gets booked I must move.” Her words carry the indifference of someone who has been through hardship.

Of course, apart from hardship, there are also things that bring her happiness, such as learning a new move, such as succeeding on all of a day’s triples… Every time this occurs, she treats herself to an ice cream. “I love eating ice cream the most in the winter, especially on snowy days.” Laughing, she takes small bites of the ice cream in her hands, happiness written all over her face.

Outside of the rink, in her daily life in St. Petersburg, Zijun mostly stays in her room, drawing, listening to music, watching American shows. Lying under the covers and watching shows is the most comfortable part of her daily routine. “Rest is one factor, 90% of my English was learned through watching shows. [I have to] know English and be to hold conversations, or else after this many years, I would really become mute.” Her favourite shows are TV dramas about school youth, such as “The Vampire Diaries” and “Pretty Little Liars”. As a professional athlete, she cannot experience school life in the way that most people of her age do. This loss of feeling is often just made up for through film.

Self-confidence, openness, bravery, thoughtfulness, these marks of someone with over 90 years all show themselves vividly on Zijun. In her free time, she goes on Weibo, chats with her friends, shows her smiles and happiness instead of bringing up the bitterness behind her. In this way, she wants to tell the friends and family in China who care about her that she’s doing well.

After years adrift, a burden weighing on one back

After the days of “butterfly on ice” Lu Chen, ladies’ singles skating in China sank into a period of drought. Although new faces showed themselves during this time, none were able to maintain the spotlight, especially on the artistic front. When Zijun came onto the scene, things began to change. The names of “skating prodigy”, “first sister of ladies’ singles”, “goddess on ice”… became the weights that 14-year-old Zijun had to carry on her back.

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Zijun Li, quirky from a young age

Zijun’s fame was a product of the times. Since her debut, her grip on the top spot in Chinese ladies’ singles skating has never loosened. Despite still having a sizeable difference in level compared to the world’s top athletes, within the country no ladies’ singles skater has the abilities to challenge her. At each year’s World Championships, only Zijun has the strength to keep striving for a medal, in all these years, she has never found someone to share this burden with.

On the inside, she is suffering too. Results have yet to show substantial progress, breakthrough is still only a motto, yelled out again and again, becoming more confused and overwhelmed. And then there are the difficulties of physical changes in puberty and the issue of finding a long-term coach.

Zijun is not the type of athlete who develops muscle well, weight gain will bring her more evident changes, so in previous years coach Mingzhu Li controlled this aspect very strictly, with random weighings each day, accurate to two decimal places. Sometimes, never mind eating, even drinking too much water would be a luxury.

“Weight control is easier said than done. For a long time, she wouldn’t eat proper meals, didn’t even drink enough water. Sometimes, when she was so thirsty she couldn’t stand it, she would rinse her mouth with water and then spit it out,” said her mom, Chunyan Li. She would be able to bear it for a day or two, but they lived that way for about a year. Daughter unable to eat, she would go hungry as well. Sometimes, mother and daughter both kept awake by hunger at night, in neighbouring beds listening to each other’s stomachs growling, gathering strength and encouragement from each other.

The bitterness of weight control, the intense training, and the high expectations of her coach caused Zijun to cry “I’m not doing this anymore” daily during her “rebellious phase”, yet each morning she would pick up her skates and head back to the rink.

Depression, pressure, and irritation, in addition to exhaustion from training, quickly built up and Zijun fell ill. Continuous fevers and allergy symptoms led her mother to take her to the hospital nearly every day. “That was a period of ‘one issue cured today, another symptom pops up tomorrow’, for several days she couldn’t fall sleep all night, and I was thinking, what happened to my girl?” However, even when she returned to Changchun for treatment, her coach did not completely stop the training, persisting to get her on the ice.

If weight can be said to be a manageable issue, then the real source of unrest for Zijun would be the problem of coaching that has yet to be solved. In the year after the contract with coach Mingzhu Li expired, Zijun first trained with famed American coach Frank Carroll in California, then with choreographer Lori Nichol in Canada. Since last November, she then went under the tutelage of Mishin. Each coach could only accompany her for a few months, and without systematic training, Li had to become familiar with all kinds of different ideologies and methods. This often made it difficult for her to feel at ease. “The entire time, I haven’t been able to find a steady coach, and that might be what I need most right now.”

However, the past year’s grind let a young girl’s weak heart gradually grow stong. “Actually, with the frustration of this past while, I finally understood the things I want for myself, understood what was important to me, because there is a kind of belief that has supported me along my path. Now, I’ve become a person of steel.”

“Skating is truly my passion, but I also see it as a responsibility.” Reaching toward the sun with both hands, she writes: “Where the is shadow, there must also be light…”

Behind the brutal questioning, a consistent persistence

In February 2015, at the Four Continents Championships in Seoul, the arena was filled with thunderous applause after a performance to “Moon River”.

Takeoffs, turns, gestures, glides… Zijun carefully completed the 12 required elements, not perfectly, but without major errors. In a bit over 2 years, struggling with puberty in an almost cruel way, her efforts finally paid off. After the competition, she experienced catharsis from her pressures, hiding her tearful face. First, she bowed deeply to the audience, and then hugged her coach at the rinkside, crying.

The tears stained her makeup.

She was not the only one who teared up. Watching her performance, CCTV5 commentator Ying Chen said: “As the only ladies’ singles skater that our country really can present, a bad skate will lead to so much questioning. Even with a selfie posted on Weibo, there will be many comments saying ‘why aren’t you training properly, so vain’. In fact, isn’t that the personality that a strong performer should have?”

Too many eyes and expectations have gathered on Zijun. And because of these expectations, she has experienced mountains of adoring fans and disapproving questioners alike. Zijun enjoys sharing bits of her life on social media, often sharing some inspirational words, but is always accused of not training properly or wanting to play too much. She hopes to show a side of herself that is kind and happy, while the attention placed on achieving high and the frustrations of being unable to break through are revealed to few.

Without results to return to the expectations of the public, this is the struggle hidden beneath Zijun’s beautiful face. 20 years old is not young for a ladies’ singles skater. In Russia, those over 20 have practically all retired from this discipline, and “ET”, Elizaveta Tuktamisheva, who is the same age as Zijun, is known as the “veteran” in Mishin’s team. Even so, there are coaches who tell her, “You are still young, move little by little, there is still hope in the future.” Whenever she hears these words, Zijun will think, wronged, “I am not young, it is only my doll-like Asian face that seems so.”

She knows, if she wants recognition, she needs to prove herself as soon as possible, even just once. It could be at the Asian Winter Games in Sapporo, or the World Championships in Finland, or next year’s Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang.

In the two months of training in Russia, Mishin has changed almost all the jumping passes in Zijun’s free program, significantly increasing the difficulty. Although her consistency is still not high, she did not reject the changes he made. Because she knows that the Pyeongchang Olympics are less than a year away, and if she doesn’t fight now, there may not be another chance.

During interviews, journalists asked her what her goals for the Asian Winter Games were. Zijun, who was smiling sweetly, suddenly put her smile away and replied, “Strive for the top three, and then fight a bit more for higher spots. Japan, Korea, and Kazakhstan all have strong skaters, but if I put my best self out there, I can reach the podium.”

For the expectations of others, and for the efforts put forth by herself, this time, Zijun will be ruthless.

Conclusion

On the eve of Lunar New Year in 2017, Zijun and her mother buy groceries at the supermarket. She suddenly stops at a counter of fried chicken, looking at the different flavours of chicken through the window. Turning her head, she asks the reporter, “Do you know what my biggest wish in life is?” The reporter shakes their head, not knowing. Zijun smiles playfully and says, “It’s to open a supermarket! Supermarkets have all kinds of delicious food and drinks, and I can open my stomach to eat whatever I want.”

Hearing these words, her mother also replies: “Yes. Since she was young, her dream has been to open a supermarket. When we went to the US together before, the sight of Costco would maker her happiness bloom like a flower. She said she wanted to open a store like Costco, because they had the biggest packages of food.”

Zijun smiles. “That reminds me, maybe it can be my New Year’s wish this year!”